It's been over 5 years now...
When my last relationship ended it left me in schism, and broken. My intimate life has been nothing but a haphazard string of meaningless relations which don't even register. Over the years I have done my best to allow my mind to be enveloped totally in the concentration of the discipline of academics now.But the the schism still remains, I can't seem to forgive or forget and it has poisoned everything I do. I still remember the last conversation, she told me I was 'sweet and wonderful' as cried tears of unknown sadness. The shock was real, which I told her as she was surprised at my tone, I was too concerned with her well being at that point to concern myself with my own. In the days and weeks following I would lose myself in a drowning sea of despair as the seeming judgement and betrayal of her words would brand themselves into my memory. 'Sweet and wonderful' but apparently not worth the bother. 'Sweet and wonderful' but not worth keeping close; 'Sweet and Wonderful' but not worthy.
After this I've come to the conclusion from this scenario a solidly understanding lesson, being this is not really worth the time to bother with. Being the person I am is not enough, I have to be something more. The 'Sweet and Wonderful' people of this world only serve as lovely props while the most craven and ruthless rule with unabashed fame and undeserved respect. Nonetheless this is an unofficial rule of the world of politics and business; economics and finance. Apparently, love as well, being me isn't going to make the cut for most, and those that say otherwise I find very suspect.
There have been those that have wanted my affections but I meet them with scorn, for I can never forget the level of betrayal when someone so incredible close is so eager to discard. My doesn't bleed very much anymore; my kindness, though, is but nothing more than something of a nervous tick.
This is the reason I don't make any serious attempt at the relations that part of me wants so badly, because I'm just as intently certain of what my ends will be to efforts I make.
